I am sick and tired of pretending to be happy when I know that I am not. I've been depressed these past few days and I've been trying to pretend that nothing is wrong. There are times that I would just sit silently in our table in GP and people would ask if I am alright. Well, obviously I'm not but I just can't tell them why so I would just say that I am good.
Ever since I was a kid, i've already lost my innocence in this cruel world. I've been reared in a family that never seems to cease fighting and I am sick and tired of it. I immediately left my childhood in order to cope up with all the things that are happening around me. I had to be strong, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to even live through high school. I don't want this anymore. I never asked to be born in this world and I think that maybe it would have been better if I never existed at all. I know that I should not say something like this because "god" should never be questioned about something like this and I grew up as a catholic. But culture and tradition is not enough. With all the things that I have been through, for me, god does not exist. A lot of people would disagree with my statement but this is what I think and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Besides, the so called god only lives because of belief not by fact. I don't have to give all of my reasons not to believe god in this post. Maybe some other time.
So going back to my feelings right now, I feel so lost. I don't know what I am going to do with my life.(These statements have already been said for quite a few times in my blog already.) All my life, I have been seaching for myself or maybe my other half if I really have one. A lot of people know that I never had a father or a father figure. The only family I know of is my mom although sometimes she really makes me want to just shoot myself in the head. and even though I treat her as my only family, I am 100% sure that she does not know me at all. I don't have siblings so I practically grew up all by myself. Maybe that is why I act so immature whenever I am with other people. It is because I have to get back all the years I have lost in my childhood.
19 years have passed and so far, no one really knows me for who I really am. Nobody has any idea of how big the burden that I carry with me wherever I go and the effort I exert just to be able to smile and pretend that I'm the happiest person alive.
I've been alone all my life and I am scared that I will be alone forever. I cannot find the solutions to my frustrations and it is slowly eating me alive. I can say that I never had any real close friends. Friends that you can call in the middle of the night and tell them your problems and they will not hesitate to do something for you until they know that you're okay. One problem I see with this is because I never open up. And I never open up because I don't trust anybody at all. I'm so scared to be hurt or be mocked and humiliated by other people. I usually wait for the other party to be the one to open up first and give me a sign that no matter what happens, they will always be there. Unfortunately, I have not met someone that would pass my standards. I really need to raise it up a bit because trust is very important to me and I need to make sure that I can trust that person even with my life.
I never chose to live. It was mandatory and I just don't have enough courage to kill myself. But maybe if my miserable life continues, I might be able to build up the courage to end it already. But I do hope that it won't end that way. To all my friends, I love you very much. To my barkada(if anyone of would actually be able to read this), you are the closest to ever get through me, love you guys and right now, you are the only family I've got aside from my mom.
I envy robots because they can work all day and all night long without complains. They won't feel anything even if those people who use and abuse them mock them or try to destroy them. I wish I was a robot without any emotions at all. But I am not. I am a human being. After publishing this post, maybe it's time for me to stop pretending to be happy when I am not. It's probably time to be just me already and kill the noisy, annoying and happy-go-lucky luis that everybody knew. The downside of this is that I might always be depressed, wherever, whenever. I'm just scared that I might actually breakdown at any second like a bomb just waiting for a spark to explode.
