Start:	Apr 14, '07 9:00p
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this blog is from my blogger... this is just a copy for multiply

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last night, MC and I started talking on the phone at around 11... she was extremely hyper.... she was souting and everything.... it was really fun.... she was very very funny....

but in the latter part of our conversation... there were already instances of serious topics... we really really tried to avoid it.... and then.. she was watching TV and came accross one of her favorite songs... which was someday by nina.... i tried listening to it through the phone but then decided to download it instead.... and there... i downloaded it...

i played it once and it somehow struck me... so i immediately searched for the lyrics... found some but i edited it because some words were missing or wrong... this is the real lyrics:

Someday by Nina

Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see this through my eyes
By then i wont even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere

Even if i cared
I know
You don’t really see my worth

You think your the last guy on earth
We’ll i've got news for you
I know i’m not that strong
But it won’t take long
Won’t take long

[Chorus]

cause someday, someones gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday,someones gonna take your place
One day i’ll forget about you
You’ll see, i wont even miss you
Someday, someday

right now
I know you can tell
I’m down,and i’m not doing well

But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I wont have to cry
Sweet goodbye

[Chorus]

cause someday, someones gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday,someones gonna take your place
One day i’ll forget about you
You’ll see, i won’t even miss you
Someday, I know someones gonna be there

someday, someones gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday,someones gonna take your place
One day i’ll forget about you
You’ll see, i won’t even miss you
Someday, someday


From the very time i read the lyrics.... we started all of the serious topics that we tried so hard to avoid.... i told her that this is the EXACT lyrics for what i'm feeling right now.... it somehow implies hope that everything will be ok someday.... we ended our conversation at around 3:30am

My realizations:

from my conversation with jove the other day.... "I love you but I have accepted the fact that you will never be mine and I will be your friend forever"
conversations with MC... "I had my set of problems and i'm still dumb at handling things that are related to life itself, and probably made a big mistake... but there is no turning back now.. I have to live on with my life."

I have to really start being myself starting now.... there are times that I feel lost like I don't know myself at all but then again... deep inside.. i know who i really am... sometimes... i just feel confused because i tend to mix the real feelings that i have and the feelings that I try very hard to show in order for the people not to notice my pain

there is a quote i got from a forwarded SMS... mc and i discussed it... the quote was " sometimes you have to put walls up, not to avoid people but to see who cares enought to break them down just be with you"

i told her that i have been doing that but she told me that i made my walls too high that i can't even see who gives effort to break them down... she told me that there always should be a watch tower behind the wall.. and i somehow forgot to place one... and yeah.. it is kind of true....

hope... it is something i don't know if i should believe or not. but maybe i was meant to be hurt.. i was really supposed to feel all this pain right now.... this song "someday" is a song full of hope... what's funny is that i have been playing this since the time i downloaded it... and then my mom asked me to pick up the food at our local diner near the house... and guess what... this song was being played there also.... somehow... fate is telling me something.. maybe for now... i will start hoping that my life won't stay like this.

Yeng Sison's blog site

i love the song, i love gwen.. she's hot.. hehe....

So there.. I tried to do what I said yesterday. I won't hide my feelings behind a mask anymore. I tried to be serious today and damn.. I cried my heart out tonight. The worst part was when I cried in front of everyone I knew. I don't know what I am supposed to feel right now. I feel a little bit humiliated. I never thought I would cry right after posing my previous blog. I never thought that I would be so emotional.

I hate my life so much. I REALLY REALLY wish I was never born!

My barkada told me that they will always be there for me... But I think it's too late for me... I just feel lost and useless already. Only one thing is gonna change my mind and I don't think it is possible. I don't have to tell anyone what it is.

I'm really sorry if I am already closed minded about this but... with all the things that I have been through since I was a child, maybe I am doing the right decision.

When I saw the comments of those people who checked out my previous blog post, all I did was cry. It really is hard for me. I somehow know that they really will be there for me whatever happens but.... there is always that "but", i can't help to be paranoid about it.

To the god who created me: Why??? What's my purpose in life. A friend told me that we were not born to immediately know what our purpose in life is. We were born to discover what it is. But I'm close to being 19 and I don't have even the slightest clue of why I exist in this world. Why is my life like this??? Why do I always feel miserable??

I'm tired of asking why since I don't seem to get any answer at all. I'm still trying my best to be strong. There is always that option of killing myself if worst comes to worst. I can't wait for that. Wish me luck!

I am sick and tired of pretending to be happy when I know that I am not. I've been depressed these past few days and I've been trying to pretend that nothing is wrong. There are times that I would just sit silently in our table in GP and people would ask if I am alright. Well, obviously I'm not but I just can't tell them why so I would just say that I am good.

Ever since I was a kid, i've already lost my innocence in this cruel world. I've been reared in a family that never seems to cease fighting and I am sick and tired of it. I immediately left my childhood in order to cope up with all the things that are happening around me. I had to be strong, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to even live through high school. I don't want this anymore. I never asked to be born in this world and I think that maybe it would have been better if I never existed at all. I know that I should not say something like this because "god" should never be questioned about something like this and I grew up as a catholic. But culture and tradition is not enough. With all the things that I have been through, for me, god does not exist. A lot of people would disagree with my statement but this is what I think and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Besides, the so called god only lives because of belief not by fact. I don't have to give all of my reasons not to believe god in this post. Maybe some other time.

So going back to my feelings right now, I feel so lost. I don't know what I am going to do with my life.(These statements have already been said for quite a few times in my blog already.) All my life, I have been seaching for myself or maybe my other half if I really have one. A lot of people know that I never had a father or a father figure. The only family I know of is my mom although sometimes she really makes me want to just shoot myself in the head. and even though I treat her as my only family, I am 100% sure that she does not know me at all. I don't have siblings so I practically grew up all by myself. Maybe that is why I act so immature whenever I am with other people. It is because I have to get back all the years I have lost in my childhood.

19 years have passed and so far, no one really knows me for who I really am. Nobody has any idea of how big the burden that I carry with me wherever I go and the effort I exert just to be able to smile and pretend that I'm the happiest person alive.

I've been alone all my life and I am scared that I will be alone forever. I cannot find the solutions to my frustrations and it is slowly eating me alive. I can say that I never had any real close friends. Friends that you can call in the middle of the night and tell them your problems and they will not hesitate to do something for you until they know that you're okay. One problem I see with this is because I never open up. And I never open up because I don't trust anybody at all. I'm so scared to be hurt or be mocked and humiliated by other people. I usually wait for the other party to be the one to open up first and give me a sign that no matter what happens, they will always be there. Unfortunately, I have not met someone that would pass my standards. I really need to raise it up a bit because trust is very important to me and I need to make sure that I can trust that person even with my life.

I never chose to live. It was mandatory and I just don't have enough courage to kill myself. But maybe if my miserable life continues, I might be able to build up the courage to end it already. But I do hope that it won't end that way. To all my friends, I love you very much. To my barkada(if anyone of would actually be able to read this), you are the closest to ever get through me, love you guys and right now, you are the only family I've got aside from my mom.

I envy robots because they can work all day and all night long without complains. They won't feel anything even if those people who use and abuse them mock them or try to destroy them. I wish I was a robot without any emotions at all. But I am not. I am a human being. After publishing this post, maybe it's time for me to stop pretending to be happy when I am not. It's probably time to be just me already and kill the noisy, annoying and happy-go-lucky luis that everybody knew. The downside of this is that I might always be depressed, wherever, whenever. I'm just scared that I might actually breakdown at any second like a bomb just waiting for a spark to explode.

Andrew Uy's blog

Ralph Patubo's blog

Thea Aque's blog